The Barmy Army vs Mitchell Johnson's Moustache

Mitchell Johnson was one of the most contradictory fast bowlers in cricket history. At his best he was a genuine terror — left-arm pace, sharp bounce, swing at 150 km/h, the complete hostile package. At his inconsistent worst he was erratic to a degree that made his own captain nervous, bowling wides, full tosses, and deliveries that pitched outside the pitch. The cricketing term "un-playable one moment, uncontrollable the next" was practically coined for Johnson.

The 2010-11 Ashes in Australia was the low point. Johnson bowled poorly across the series, spraying the ball with the directional consistency of a garden hose operated by someone who had never used a garden hose. Australia won the series, but that was largely despite Johnson rather than because of him. The English Barmy Army noticed. The English Barmy Army had opinions.

Johnson had also grown a thick, sculptured handlebar moustache for the series — dark, dramatic, entirely sincere, and absolutely irresistible to anyone looking for a creative angle on the story. The Barmy Army, whose creativity in terrace songs is second to none in cricket, united the moustache and the poor bowling into one immortal chant.

The Barmy Army are England cricket's famous travelling supporters — thousands of fans who follow England around the world, drinking, singing, and maintaining morale through results that frequently test that morale severely. They have a long tradition of creative terrace chants, some of which have outlasted the matches that inspired them. Their song about Mitchell Johnson is their masterpiece.

Sung to "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain," the lyrics were simple, accurate, and devastating: "He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson, his bowling is shite." The accompanying physical performance involved moustache-twirling — fans stroking imaginary facial hair in the manner of Victorian villains — which added visual comedy to the sonic assault.

Johnson's bowling record in the 2010-11 series was indeed poor enough that the song was difficult to dispute. He finished with middling figures, a moustache that generated more coverage than his wicket tally, and the experience of hearing his name sung to him by thousands of delighted English fans every day for five Tests. It was not the Ashes campaign he had envisioned.

During the 2010-11 Ashes in Australia, Mitchell Johnson was struggling badly with his bowling. His line and length were all over the place — he was spraying the ball left and right with the accuracy of a garden hose operated by a labrador — and the English supporters, the Barmy Army, seized on both his poor form and his distinctive handlebar moustache to create one of cricket's most famous songs.

Sung to the tune of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain," the Barmy Army's creation went: "He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson, his bowling is shite." The chant was accompanied by enthusiastic moustache-twirling gestures from the English fans, who would stroke imaginary facial hair while singing at full volume. It was cruel, it was funny, and it was everywhere — echoing around Australian grounds with the persistence of a catchy pop song.

Johnson finished the 2010-11 series with poor figures, and the song followed him wherever he went like a melodic stalker. It was played at parties, sung in pubs, and hummed by England fans with the smug satisfaction of supporters whose team was winning the Ashes in Australia.

But cricket's karma intervened spectacularly in 2013-14, when Johnson returned to the Ashes with the same moustache but completely different bowling. He terrorized England with pace and hostility that bordered on grievous bodily harm, taking 37 wickets in the series as Australia won 5-0. The Barmy Army tried singing the song again at the Gabba but quickly went silent as Johnson bowled England batsmen out for fun. The moustache-twirling gestures became considerably less enthusiastic when the moustache's owner was bowling at 95mph and hitting people. The moustache had the last laugh.

“It motivated me massively. I heard that song every day in 2010. I came back in 2013 to answer it.”

“He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right — we sang it, and then he started bowling at 97mph at our heads. We stopped singing.”

“The moustache was defiant. He knew what he was doing. He wore it like a badge of honour.”

“Best song in cricket. But God, did we pay for it.”

The 2013-14 Ashes was cricket's greatest revenge narrative. Johnson came back to Australia with England as the target, and he was hostile, accurate, and deeply unfunny to face. He bowled over 150 km/h consistently, targeting the body, and England's batsmen — who had been trained in conditions that bore no resemblance to the Gabba — were serially dismissed in ways that bordered on unkind.

The Barmy Army, to their credit, tried the song again at the Gabba. It was brave. It was courageous. It lasted approximately two overs before Johnson made it obvious that continuing to mock his bowling was a decision with physical consequences. The song died on the terraces — not by official request, but by the natural deflation of a joke whose target has stopped being funny and started being frightening.

Johnson gave interviews after the 2013-14 series in which he said the song had motivated him. He had heard it in 2010-11 and filed it away. He grew the moustache back for 2013-14 partly as a statement — here is the moustache, here is me, and this time it won't be funny. The moustache was a deliberate provocation, a flag planted in Australian soil, and it worked entirely.